The Need to Please
People pleasers unite!!! But only if you have the time and energy. Oh, and only if you want to but if not, that’s totally fine too. Sound familiar? People pleasing is defined as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” This can sometimes be a trauma response. We know about Fight, Flight, or Freeze, but did you know that there’s also Fawn? “Fawning” occurs when one abandons their own needs and wishes to please others and avoid conflict. This likely started in childhood when your needs were neglected or rejected, and the only way to receive attention was by being willing to help and put your own needs aside. People pleasing kids can also grow up to be codependent adults in the various relationships they maintain, whether it be friendships or romantic relationships.
Signs you could be a people pleaser:
*Disclaimer: Just because you identify with some of the items from this list does not automatically mean you are a people pleaser with a slew of childhood trauma! Seek therapy to understand these tendencies better.
You’re uncomfortable saying “No” to others.
Even if it’s something you disagree with or don’t want to do. You say yes to avoid conflict or disappointing others.
You feel resentful when others ask for favors you inevitably agree to.
Don’t they know your plate is full? How dare they ask more of you when you continue to say yes to them.
You have a hard time setting boundaries.
Boundaries can definitely be tough to navigate. However, there is a fear of rejection or disappointing others if you were to set a boundary.
You spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of you.
“Do they think I’m annoying?” “Did I just come off too strong?” “I hope they aren’t mad at me” The tendency to wonder about how others perceive you is normal! As humans, we want to belong. It becomes problematic when you spend most of your time thinking about others’ thoughts and feelings and disregarding your own.
You learned early on that pleasing others got you attention, rewards, protection, or otherwise.
“If I do what they want, I don’t have to worry about them yelling at me later” “If I do well at work, get good grades, buy them presents, then they’ll love me” There’s a perpetual fear of rejection.
You’re conflict-avoidant so as not to disappoint anyone or feel rejected.
Conflict can be uncomfortable! But is it more uncomfortable than deserting your own wants and needs?
You may be fatigued or stressed at the number of things you’ve committed to.
You’ve over-committed yourself, and now you don’t have any time to do what you’d actually want to do.
The thought of being criticized makes you feel anxious.
“If they don’t like the way I did it then that means they probably hate me”
You don’t make time for self-care.
Lol what’s that? That sounds like another thing I need to make time for.
How to combat people pleasing
Seek therapy - There’s no quick fix to people pleasing, especially when it is based in trauma. A trauma and/or codependency therapist would be a great choice to help you understand the root cause of people-pleasing tendencies and how to move forward in a way that best suits you and your system.
Spend time alone - Reflect on who you are, what you value, and what you enjoy. Having a better sense of these gives you the building blocks of what you want your life to look like. When something arises that is incongruent with your wants, needs, and values, you may have an easier time noticing this and setting yourself up to say the dreaded “No.”
Work on your boundaries - There are many resources, including books, podcasts, articles, videos, etc. People pleasing can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment. Boundaries teach people how you want to be treated and what you accept. Remember, though, that boundaries are your job to set and maintain. Practicing boundaries outside these specific scenarios can help when these people-pleasing tendencies arise.
Remember that it is impossible to please everyone all the time - it simply won’t happen, and it’s not personal!
Learn how to say “No” - Start by saying something like, “Let me get back to you on that” this gives you space to come back later and say no after thinking it over. Practice in the mirror! It may feel silly, but if you’re not used to saying it out loud, it can feel much more daunting.
People pleasing can be difficult to change or let go of if this is something that feels really familiar. Throughout the process of releasing this, remember that you’re not the only one that struggles with people pleasing. Approach this change - and any other changes you feel are needed in your life to improve your mental health - with a non-judgemental and compassionate stance to give yourself the best chance for success! Bonus points if you are able to seek therapy:)
