The Pains of Perfectionism
Hey perfectionist, have you been feeling exhausted because you’ve over-extended yourself… AGAIN? You’re probably here because you have incredibly high standards for yourself (and sometimes others). Those high standards can get in the way of living your best life because there’s no wiggle room. High standards aren’t the enemy here though, you’re allowed to want the best for yourself and others! However, when these high standards are constant and in most areas of your life, you’re left feeling fatigued because you have no more energy to rejuvenate yourself and you probably have another event/deadline/etc coming up so the hole continues to get deeper and deeper.
PAUSE - how do I even know if I’m a perfectionist?
7 Signs you may be a perfectionist
Perceived “failure” or “mistakes” send you into a shame spiral
“I’m not worthy”, “I don’t deserve ___”, “Why do I even bother”
You set unrealistically high expectations for yourself and others
You are constantly striving to meet a goal that if you miss (which you often do because it is near impossible to meet them) you end up feeling worse about yourself
You struggle with imposter syndrome
You hate to let others see that you’re not 100% good at something when it’s unrealistic to be good at everything you do
You avoid things you’re not good at
You know you’re good in one area but struggle or have never tried things in another area - this could be related to hobbies, work, relationships, etc. so you think “why try where I have less experience?”
Your self-esteem is tied to your accomplishments
Doing well feels good! Making mistakes or doing something wrong may not feel great but it doesn’t mean that you are wrong as a person.
You tend to abide by “all or nothing” logic
This can sound like “If I don’t do this perfectly, I might as well not do it at all”
You feel guilty if you aren’t being productive
In turn you feel constantly exhausted because your brain is always working and rarely gets a break even when you are trying to rest. Guilty rest isn’t fulfilled rest.
You don’t need to tick off each of these boxes to consider yourself a ‘perfectionist’. If you’re feeling exhausted all the time, perfectionism can definitely be a huge contributor. It’s easy to be a perfectionist too when the way we grew up had clear cut standards to meet. You get good grades, you move on to the next grade, eventually you graduate and get a job. Nobody talks about this shift of standards when you enter the working world after school. The standards look much different - you may not get consistent praise or validation that your work is great or meets expectations, your free time is finally free time and what you do with it is up to you, there is no right or wrong way to spend it. Schools train us to focus on the right answer which leaves us feeling like we need to constantly find the “right” thing to do in our life afterwards. This gets frustrating over time! Here are a few ways to help relieve some of this perfectionism for yourself.
How to combat perfectionism
Recognize that you’re human!!!!
Humans by nature are imperfect beings - we can’t do it all AND do it perfectly! Cut yourself some slack!
Reflect on why being perfect is important in the first place?
Where did you learn that being perfect was the only way to do things? What would happen if you made a mistake or failed at something? What are you worried about other people learning about you if you did something imperfectly?
Shift your standards
You can’t realistically give 110% in every area of your life when you only have 100% total to give. Maybe work gets 30%, hobbies get 20%, and friends / significant other(s) and family get 50%. These aren’t the only areas you can dedicate effort or time to but could be a starting point. Also take a moment to realize that good enough is still good enough!
Jot it down
Writing it down makes it more attainable that way you aren’t using brain space trying to remember all the things that need to get done. My rule of thumb is that if it doesn’t fit on a sticky note, it’s too much to do in one day.
Schedule out ~you~ time
Self care time is essential! If you don’t make time for self-care, it’ll force you to make time for it later on, usually at a very inconvenient time and at the expense of yourself. Plus, if you see you have open space in your calendar, it’s harder to fill up that time with other people when you already have plans with yourself:)
Talk it out
Bouncing ideas off of others or getting these ideas/plans out of your head can help create a more realistic agenda. For example, if you’re feeling swamped at work, ask your boss to help you reprioritize some of your workload so you know what to work on first AND they have an idea of what’s on your plate. OR tell a friend what’s been going on and your thoughts around it before asking for feedback to help with processing. Human connection can be so underrated sometimes.
Step away from it
This can help gain perspective on what’s important vs what’s unhelpful. Get outside, move your body, distract yourself in whatever way makes sense so you can come back with a fresh point of view.
These are only a few ways to combat perfectionism and some may not work for you! If you’re able to seek professional help, they will be able to tailor something that works best for you and your situation.
